The smell of lavender, Lysol, and latex filled this quiet room on this quiet floor. It was late; dark enough outside to see the brightest stars. For a moment, I thought I saw a shooting star. So, I closed my eyes and I wished upon it. Though, the pain medication may have taken me away to dream land at that point in time. I know this because as I stared down at that pale blue nightgown the nurse gave me earlier this morning, I saw you move within me. It was a weird feeling, almost as if I had swallowed you whole. I couldn’t wait to meet you.
It was one o’clock in the morning when an unfamiliar nurse walked into the room. She introduced herself. Anna. Your father sat up in hopes that she would hold up nine fingers to let us know we were ready. I was ready.
She nodded enthusiastically and swiftly left the room. The floral printed curtain waved back and forth behind her, waiting to greet the doctor once more. My breath became heavy as your father put on a pair of pea green scrubs and one of those hair nets that you would see on a cafeteria lunch lady in elementary school. I laughed. Nothing in this world made me more anxious than the thought of meeting you, my baby. Will you love me as much as I you?
The doctor entered the room with a calming smile. And that is the last thing I remember before holding you in my arms. Ellenor.
“Do you think she is beautiful? Does she look like us?” I asked between my tears.
“Yes, dear. All babies look sort of squished when they are first born.” Your father said in a soothing tone.
I kissed you and with all of my heart I loved you, but my mind knew that you were different. An hour later, laying exhausted watching you sleep, two women in suits entered the room. They took one look at you and wrote something down on a clipboard. Through sleepless, bloodshot eyes I demanded to know what they had wrote.
“Mrs. Dellar, your baby is absolutely beautiful.” One woman said.
“But…” I said instantly
“She has one beating heart, two loving parents, ten fingers, ten toes, and an extra 21 chromosome. I want you to know that she is healthy, but have you ever heard of Down Syndrome?”
In that moment, the room illuminated with more questions than I had before. Will she love me? Will people stare? Will she recognize a difference in herself? Will she be able to speak? Will she be able to love and run and jump and smile and succeed? Am I the cause of this? Did I ruin my child’s life?
“Honey…” your father spoke and interrupted my thoughts. The two women had already left the room.
“Ellenor is awake. Do you want to hold her?”
It was three o’clock in the morning. I felt a pain in my stomach that even the strongest of drips could not ease. Your head lay on top of my bare chest, skin to skin, and it was there that I promised you that I would love you forever. I would help you fight and overcome any battle that crosses your path. I will be your mother, friend, teacher, and most of all, your number one fan. I will protect you.
Love Always, forever and a day,
Mommy